Pregnant Women Are Assholes

Not all, but some. And I'm one of them.

I mean, I have always been one to some degree, but these days I'm rather generous with the assholery. 

Am I proud? Far from it. I do not like NOT having full control of my emotions and I get bothered when I'm behaving like a shitty human being. I still try my best to be polite and considerate, but there are days when pregnancy hormones are tempestuous and the rage cannot be contained. 

It's kind of like an explosive diarrhea: you try your hardest to keep it in, but at some point it will evacuate your body with the violence and intensity of a mini supernova. There is  absolutely nothing you can do except cry softly in despair. 

Do I feel entitled? I certainly hope not. I do not expect anyone to bend over backwards for me although I sometimes need help and understanding from the people around me (I never expected pregnancy to be this hard. Kudos to all the mothers out there). Moreover, I have less patience and I hardly tolerate stuff  I would normally brush off before. Because aside from hormones that could temporarily unhinge even women with the highest EQ, pregnancy comes with several physical discomforts (not to mention the demonic hunger). If you are ravenous + feeling unwell, political correctness and social conduct tend to slip your mind.

You want to enjoy being an asshole and get away with it with minimal consequences? Get pregnant! You can always blame it on the hormones and people would often accept it as a valid reason (and it is, in a way). But try to keep it in moderation. Just because you're sperminated does not mean you are allowed to be a vicious monster to everyone around you. 

Moving on. Here are a few reasons why pregnant women are assholes:

1. Pregnant women think they are unicorns and are oh-so-magical. 

I don't consider myself special for being pregnant. People have sex  (as we have done for thousands of years) and women pop out babies all the time. We are biologically programmed to procreate (or at least simulate reproduction). What I find "miraculous" are the biochemical processes and the physiological changes involved (both for me and the little one). From a scientific standpoint, pregnancy is truly amazing. 

From an emotional angle... it's wonderful yet confusing. My body is getting destroyed from the inside out, yet I am ecstatic about it. In fact, I have never been consistently happier in my life. It's quite scary if you think about it. 

The vanity aspect? Tragic. Don't even ask. 

2. Pregnant women cannot shut up about their pregnancy/cannot stop whining. 

Understand that it is a monumental thing for us. We are inclined to talk about things that we deem important. It's human nature. 

If you ceaselessly gush about your latest gadget or  your upcoming vacation and you complain about girls who ignore your texts, your serious lack of matches on Tinder, or your sucky job ALL THE TIME, then do not expect us to bottle up our excitement. Let us enjoy our baby bump pictures, belly rubs and pregnancy related status updates. Let us whine about insomnia, crying spells and looking like a bloated hippo. I try not to rain on your parade, so please don't crap all over  mine. 

P.S. It's not my fault you're lonely and you don't ever get laid, Chad! I'm sorry that you are ugly and your personality is lackluster.

3. Pregnant women do not care about friendships. They always find an excuse to not party/go clubbing with us. 

If you think this way, then I have 4 words for you: ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? 

No. Seriously. 

Going out partying is the last thing on my mind because I honestly am not feeling too hot right now. Even getting dressed already takes a LOT of energy (if a single non-grandmotherly dress even fits). Add the commute time and I'll be dead tired and frothing in the mouth like a rabid hellhound when I reach you. Ready to shred someone, anyone most likely you to pieces.

If I am an asshole for preferring to have friends over for a quiet evening, then so be it. Right now, I feel like my being selfish is justified. I can't say the same about your being an attention whore. Stop being so thirsty, Gretchen! Geez!

4. Pregnant women are know-it-alls who would not listen to a friendly advice. 

I am not a fan of unsolicited advice, but I can stand it more often than not. I would smile or shrug or nod my head out of a combination of apathy and civility. What does not sit well with me are people trying to shove their opinions down my throat. My fuse is rather short when it comes to this (preggers or not). I am not an imbecile nor am I incapable of making my own decisions.

So you had a 36 hour-long labor and had an unmedicated birth despite all odds? Good for you! You took it like a champ and I am happy that everything went well. Your partner's nipples were raw for months trying to breastfeed, and that they looked like chewed up puffy salami afterwards? It must have been challenge and I admire her for it. But do not presume to tell me that I do the same and that the options I put my mind to are not right. 

Please try not to call me lazy or give me the "you are pregnant, not handicapped" spiel. I WILL CUT YOU! There is a reason why I stay in bed or cannot engage in particular activities. My doctor knows what is best for me. You don't. If you believe that the way you do things is the best way and that anyone who does differently is wrong, then I am afraid to inform you that you are a bigger asshole than I am. 

Motherhood is not a competition on who has the highest pain tolerance. Having a difficult pregnancy/birth does not entitle you to a medal and it definitely does not give you the right to one-up and be a condescending dick to those who had an easier time. 

5. Pregnant women are so weepy. 

If you are harboring a parasitic(ish) organism in your body; your precious waistline is continuously expanding; everything hurts; and your hormones have taken the reins --- reducing you to an ever hungry, fat, and highly emotional incubator; trust me,  you will be weepy too. Sure, it is our conscious decision to be in this situation, but that does not really make things any easier for us. All we ask is a bit of consideration. 

However, pregnancy is never an excuse to be an asshole. I still manage to keep myself in check most of the time, but when I err, I apologize once I have cooled down because I actually don't mean to behave the way I do. Burning bridges is the last thing on my mind too unless you are a lying, thieving monkey-snake hybrid. It's like I'm having a bad day, only it lasts for 9 months (or a bit more). I seem selfish because I am no longer thinking about just myself. I have my spawn baby to protect and I avoid anything that can stress us both or put our health at risk. 

I have to admit, though, that it is quite liberating to be able to express myself without feeling too bad about it. It's also an effective way to set healthy boundaries, especially if you had been a people pleaser all your life. It's such a relief to say no without having to feel guilty. It feels sooo good to not be shackled by societal expectations and not be overly concerned about what others would say or think. I'll go back to being a decent, social human being again sooner or later. I guess I'll be hibernating until I am fully functional again. 

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Dress: Topshop 

Ring: Niky's Handmade

Headband: some shop in Istanbul

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5 Steps To Avoid Being Forever Alone

   Being single has a lot of perks. Freedom being the first on the list. You can do whatever you want without having to consider someone else's feelings. You can stop showering for days on end, live in a pigsty, drool in your sleep, not wear pants, and binge on donuts until you look like a waddling bathtub.. and no one will judge you for it. No one that matters, that is. It's easy to ignore people's opinions when they don't mean much to you. 

   Then there are the fringe benefits such as free meals (and drinks, woohoo!), a barrage of compliments and the opportunity to bang pretty much anything bipedal. But all these can get old in no time. Humans are by nature very social beings. No matter how much we enjoy the liberty, sooner or later we will long for more meaningful and stable interpersonal connections. 

   Unless you're a sociopath, then that's a different story. 

   Ready to form a social bond? Looking for a potential mate? Feeling the need for belongingness?   Want to have someone who would patiently listen to your whining? Read on. This strategy has been proven highly effective. For reals.  

1. Get a dog.

Dogs are beyond adorable. It's hard to resist their jovial innocence and their puppy eyes. Their playfulness is contagious and can easily bring a smile to someone's face. You can't help but go "awwww" when you see one happily trotting by. Only monsters can be oblivious to their cuteness.

If you are a monster, you probably deserve to be forever alone.

2. Feed dog.

This is VERY important. If you don't feed it, it will die. REMEMBER: Dead dogs can't help you get laid (Well, actually it can. But you can only go as far as pity sex. Pity sex is... pitiful. Don't stoop that low. You deserve better).

Do your best in keeping doggo in tiptop shape. Pamper it. Love it. Make sure its vaccines are up to date. Give it belly rubs and doggie biscuits. It's your wingman. You're supposed to look after your wingman because who else will ensure you won't die alone?

No one.

Nobody likes you except your dog.

And your cat hates you with a passion, FYI.

3. Walk dog.

You need to get out there in order to kickstart your game. Leave your laptop alone, for goodness' sake.  Asa Akira and Sasha Grey DO NOT count as potential mates. Have realistic standards, man!

Extra brownie points if you make doggo wear something cute like a bow tie or a unicorn horn. It makes you look more approachable and quadruples your attractiveness.

4. Watch.

You don't even have to do anything. Prospects will be all over you (and your dog). They will swarm you, like flies to poop.

Also, having a dog indicates your sense of responsibility and empathy. If you're a guy with a dog, you're like a walking advertisement for commitment. It screams: "HERE I AM WITH AN ENDEARING FLUFFY POOP MACHINE. I WANNA BE YOUR BABYDADDY!!!".  It's also a proof that you have the resources and the inclination to care for someone. Sexy AF!

If you're a girl, well, it just makes you look cuter. So cute, in fact, that people would want to throw you in the fire. (Wait, WUT?)

5. Reward dog.

Congratulations! Celebrate your success and revel in the possibility of your genitals not shrivelling up and dying due to years of non-use. Also, give your dog a treat. The little pimp cupid deserves it.

Please keep in mind, however, that when people approach you and doggo and go all "Oooohh.. cute puppy! How old is he/she? What's his/her name? Is it okay to pet him/her?", take it for what it is. It does not translate to  "ZOMG, you have a dog. Let's have casual sex. Right here, right now!"

No. Just no. Don't be a creep.


You're welcome.





NOTE: Can't own a dog? I provide puppy rental services. Fill in the contact form and I'll get back to you with a quotation. 

First!

I remember creating my beloved ex-blog years ago because I wanted to lose the weight I gained over the holidays (I remember fondly calling the excess lbs. "Holiday Fats" which could be a great name for a band, if you think about it). Being the modern woman that I was (and still am!), I took advantage of internet. I simply could have exercised and observed my caloric intake quietly, but noooo...

At this day and age, why should you do things in private when you can over share? Don't achievements feel somewhat empty when you can't broadcast them? The fact that pretty much everyone around you doesn't care in the slightest matters not.  Compliments are a powerful motivator, sincere or fake. Most of us desire to be liked after all. It's human nature. And humans, like most life-forms, will eventually deteriorate and die (well that escalated quickly). But I digress.

That said blog has long been nuked from the face of the interwebz, but it was fun while it lasted.

And now here I am. Again. I would like to give blogging another shot because I want to troll to post my OOTDs (Outfit of the Day, in case you are living under a rock). I didn't buy all these clothes for nothing. It would be a shame if I didn't curate photos of them.


Also, I need a valid reason to wear pants.